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Statistics say that infidelity destroys almost 50% of all marriages in the world. It hurts terribly when you realize that you have been deceived. And the first reaction of a deceived wife is quite understandable: she screams, cries, humiliates her husband and appeals to his conscience. But such spontaneous actions must be resisted.
A cold mind and a calm heart are the best companions in making a decision. Leave emotions for later!
Psychologists have shared details and simple tips to help you understand what to do in such a situation.
Here is a step-by-step guide for those who have dealt with the betrayal of their spouse.
Step 1: gathering information
If you know for sure about your husband's infidelity, try to avoid hasty judgments. Information received from strangers can easily be wrong.
Talk to your husband and clarify the following important things.
- What really happened? Was it a virtual flirt or a real date?
- What circumstances accompanied the situation? Admit that consciously signing up for a dating site is different from drunken kissing at a party.
- When did the betrayal happen?
- Once or many times?
- What is going on between your husband and another woman? Is it a strong emotional connection or just a physical attraction?
- Was it safe sex? The answer is important because it gives you an idea of whether you should rush to see a doctor.
- Does he want to save your marriage? Maybe after the answer you will understand what to do next.
Psychologist's advice: do not ask your husband about the smallest details of betrayal. This information will not help, but will hurt you more!
If your spouse is talking about saving your marriage, let's move on to the next step in our plan. If not, you should skip it.
Step 2: take a break
Usually, after realizing what happened, emotions run high. Therefore, you need time to get together and think about a further strategy.
Thus, warn your husband that you need time to sit still and think or just say that you will return to the topic later.
Ideally, spouses are separated for a certain period of time. If that's not possible for some reason, just keep an emotional and physical distance.
While your relationship is on pause, throw all your strength into your restoration:
- take sick leave;
- call your best friend and chat with her;
- get enough sleep and walk more in the fresh air;
- visit a hairdresser-stylist, beautician and nail master;
- take a course of relaxing massage;
- visit a gym or dance school;
- do what makes you feel positive and what you never had time for.
In general, during this difficult period, you will have to take good care of yourself! It would be great to visit a psychotherapist. If you can't bring yourself to such a step, just throw out all the negative emotions on paper, and then burn it.
After a period of recovery, you can finally pull yourself together and seriously consider what to do next.
This is something you should clarify for yourself:
- What are the reasons for betrayal?
- Is this your husband's first cheating?
- How long have you been together? Maybe memories of warm moments make up for one mistake.
- Should the marriage be saved? Betrayal may indicate that you have been married for a long time. And if you can't imagine a common future with a person, then why keep him?
- Does your partner show genuine remorse? If not, then why forgive him.
- How did you know about it? Did your husband confess or just "burned out"?
- Is your husband ready to work on your relationship? What exactly is he planning to do?
- Are you ready to forgive betrayal? Can you, at every opportunity, not blackmail him by calling for compensation and not mentioning the story?
Of course, it will not be easy to separate yourself from negative emotions, but it is very important to make a careful, considered decision. Further, two scenarios are possible.
Option 1: You have decided to get a divorce
If betrayal seems like something you can't forgive, then let your spouse go. No one is saying that you should remain best friends, but at least try to maintain a human relationship. Especially if you have children, because they are not to blame.
Psychologist's advice: if you decide to leave, leave. Do not carry grudges with you through the years. Don't spy on your husband either in real life or on social media. Do not expect an apology and try to forget this sad story as soon as possible.
Option 2: You decided to save your marriage
Repairing a relationship after a betrayal is a painful process, so you need to be prepared for an emotional storm. At this stage, heart pain can be caused by anything. So be prepared to argue every morning, act like a teenager, and cry at night.
Psychologist's advice: in order to survive negative emotions, it is better to discard them.
For a faster recovery, try putting the advice of experts into practice:
- Visit a family psychologist together. A professional perspective will help you get over the discord between spouses and allow them to move on.
- Keep a diary. Write down everything you think about. Otherwise, this process will continue.
- Don't dwell on the situation. Any attempt to reproduce how it happened is useless. You cannot predict everything that can happen between you and your husband.
Step 4: Repairing the relationship (if you chose Step 2)
Betrayal is often an indicator of serious problems between partners. If you decide to save your marriage, it is very important to discuss the future with your husband. Perhaps it was the lack of sex, attention or mutual interest that led to this situation. Either way, your thinking about ideal relationships needs to be re-examined.
If you decide to stay, then prepare for certain changes in familiar family patterns.
- Your sex life will change. Sex will be different. A great motive to diversify it, overstepping the boundaries!
- You must learn to trust each other. After infidelity, women usually increase their control over their spouse, begin to read his messages on the phone, check personal letters, call back friends, and so on. However, this behavior does not give any guarantees, but only exacerbates the situation.
- You will feel resentful for a long time. This is fine. The most important thing is to speak through your emotions.
Psychologist's advice: don't blame your husband for the rest of your life. If you choose to forgive, make an effort to find areas of common interest. It will be useful!
Don't expect things to be the same as before. Time heals, just try giving it another chance!
Can you forgive betrayal? Or do you think such things cannot be forgiven? Share your opinion in the comments!
author Women's Magazine