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You must have asked yourself at least once in your life why children with similar backgrounds develop differently? Why do some of them achieve success in many areas of life, and some do not?
Emotional intelligence is what gives strength to our children. It is not laid down initially, but every parent can cultivate this quality in their child.
What is emotional intelligence?
Psychology professor John Gottman believes that the secret of parenting is how we communicate with children when they are going through emotional moments. In his book The Emotional Intelligence of the Child. A Practical Guide for Parents” the author talks about a long-term study in which 56 families participated.
It turned out that children whose families practiced emotional education not only understood themselves better, were able to quickly calm down in stressful situations, but even got sick less. The ability to feel the interlocutor, to understand his emotions gives many bonuses in adulthood. All of this can be taught. And we'll tell you how.
1. Become aware of the child's emotions
It is not always easy to understand the emotions of a child. Imagine yourself in a similar situation, but in the adult world. For example, your child came home from school upset that his best friend had been playing with another boy all day today. Now imagine that you want to discuss with a friend about her husband's unusual behavior at lunchtime, but she behaves strangely all day: she barely says hello and discusses something with a colleague during lunch. And you absolutely do not understand what came over her.
Exercise. If you find it difficult to imagine yourself in a situation that upset the child, then you can try the following: copy his posture and facial expression. Sit like this for a couple of minutes. For example, lower your shoulders and stare dejectedly at the floor. After some time, an understanding will come of how cruel life is and how futile attempts to change something.
2. Understand that the expression of emotions by a child is always an additional reason for getting closer to him.
Being a lifeguard, helping someone you care about, and getting recognition from him is very nice. Be that person for your child. After all, you are actually the only one who can support him.
Exercise. To help your child better understand himself, you can prepare cards with characters depicting different emotions in advance. In a difficult moment, invite him to carefully consider the cards and choose those that best describe his condition. Such an exercise can be done in a normal situation, for example, talking about the most vivid emotions experienced during the day.
3. Listen to the child and confirm that his feelings are justified
Listening compassionately and being interested is what will help you build a bridge between yourself and your child. You just need to listen, observe and pronounce the feelings that the baby is experiencing. This will let him know that you are on his side. No need to try to explain and offer solutions. At such moments, simple observations work much better, such as “you are upset because they laughed at you.”
Exercise. Play the game "Frankness". Ask each other questions about how you feel in a given situation and what helps you get back in shape. For example, a child can tell you how it feels when the teacher thinks who will go to the blackboard, and you - when the boss called you. Questions can be any, the main thing is that they relate to feelings and both of you are interested.
4. Help your child name the emotion they are experiencing.
When we talk about emotions, from vague, dimensionless and terrible sensations, they turn into something more understandable and with boundaries. At the same time, the child realizes that such feelings arise in all people, that they are normal and natural.
Exercise. It is important to list the names of emotions in a conversation. Try to enter into your everyday life a sentence that includes the words “I feel that ... because ... I would like that ...” That is, in communication with a child, it may sound something like this: “I get worried when you jump on these steep stairs because it's easy to fall off and get hurt. I would be glad if you could get off her."
5. Help solve the problem
The task of the parent is to direct the child in the right direction. Find out what outcome he expects and help him set goals and consider possible solutions. Even if his idea is unsuccessful, but does no harm, let him try. For example, your son wants sweets for lunch, not borscht. Discuss what ways he sees to achieve what he wants.
Exercise. Play problem. In a calm environment, you can try to think through options for getting out of a fictional situation. Start with the words: “What will you do if ...” In order for the child to be imbued with the game, you can answer his question yourself. This will teach him to come up with different ways to solve the problem. And when a real problem comes up, just remind him how well he did with a similar puzzle just the other day.
Cases When Emotional Education Is Best Postponed
Conditions are not always ideal. When it is not possible to immediately plunge into the world of the child's emotions, it is better to postpone it. Do not start serious emotional conversations in the following cases.
You don't have time. If you start negotiations with a serious client in a quarter of an hour, and your daughter does not want to go to school because of a quarrel with a friend, you are unlikely to keep within a few minutes. You will constantly look at the clock, and your daughter will feel that you are not up to her. Just postpone this conversation for a few hours. You are not alone. Serious conversations are always better without witnesses. So no one is distracted and everyone feels freer and more comfortable. You don't have a resource. When you don't have the strength to listen carefully and empathize with your child, don't. Relax, come to your senses, then during the conversation you will be able to better understand him and offer help. There are serious behavioral problems. Sometimes children cross boundaries, but we understand that some event was the reason for this (for example, the divorce of parents). When you find out that your son has been skipping school for a month, you do not need to look for excuses for him. It is better to separate events: tell your son about the inadmissibility of his behavior, and the reason for this can be discussed later.